I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
