is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
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