i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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