You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
