I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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