woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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