Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
