theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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