now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
