I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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