Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
