Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Randomize
