im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
