How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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