dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
