I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
