I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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