two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
even my farts smell like vagina
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
