my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
