i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You have to summon your inner elephant
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
