Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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