I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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