Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
