so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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