You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
