i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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