I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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