I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
