you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
there is glitter all over my balls
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
