a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
