i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
