Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
