so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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