I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
