The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
