Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
