I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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