When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
