im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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