i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
