Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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