Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
