she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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