Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
