You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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