we're chasing vodka with high fives
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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