I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
