My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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