Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Your cock deserves a montage
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
