He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I love having hate sex.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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