when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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