party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
