please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
