Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
