I just threw up on my dentist
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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