I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
