i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
