I need help removing her.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
